Beach Artist 🎨
- Someone who makes a tremendous production dragging easels and canvas and paint boxes to the beach
- Someone who talks you into watching their children while they “run up to get a drink”
Beachcomber 🐚
- Eccentric individual who finds treasure in what everyone else calls garbage
- Any of a number of unusual birds that frequent the beach at all hours and are generally considered abnormal to everyone except their rich, doting aunt or uncle
Beach Blanket
- The only flat surface guaranteed to find every hidden rock beneath it
- Something used to throw sand on everyone who doesn’t have to leave the beach as early as its owner
Beach Towel 
- See beach blanket
- Rectangular sand magnet that somehow shrinks to half its size once you lie down
Beach Ball 
- Wind-guided missile programmed to hit exclusively napping strangers
- Inflatable device designed to showcase a child’s inability to catch
Beach Chair 
- Something else to drag to the beach
- Folding contraption that requires an engineering degree to operate
Lifeguard 🛟
- Male or female employed for exceptional ability to apply zinc oxide to their nose and keep it there
- Professional whistle-blower with an uncanny ability to spot your open beer from 200 yards
Bodybuilder 💪
- Individual who applies tanning oil with the precision of a Renaissance painter
- Person who enjoys looking at their reflection in the sunglasses of others
Beach Bimbo ☀️
- Mythical creature who appears in all male beach stories but never in reality
- Female you wish to meet as opposed to know
Suntan Lotion 🧴
- Sticky stuff that attracts sand like a magnet, smells funny, and gets on everything
Dog 🦮
- Animal effective in meeting members of the opposite sex
- Beach vacuum cleaner that collects sand in its fur to deposit later in your car
Child 🧒
- Small person even more effective for meeting members of the opposite sex when borrowed from parents and taught to say “I’m lost”
- Tiny person with an uncanny ability to need the bathroom the moment you’ve gotten comfortable
Seagull
- Have you ever seen a seagulls nest?
- Nature’s reminder that no food is truly yours at the beach
Sunglasses 😎
- Excellent device to pretend you’re not staring
Beach Bum 🧘♂️
- Someone whose tan indicates they are not gainfully employed
- Person whose life choices suddenly seem brilliant around 2 PM on a workday
Frisbee 🥏
- See beach ball
Surf 🌊
- Water that covers your stuff while you’re gone
Stuff 🩴
- Collection of items you’ll drag home covered in twice their weight in sand
Cold Beer 🍺
- Exception to stuff
- The real reason anyone tolerates the beach
Car 🚗
- Vehicle that corrodes far more rapidly when driven regularly on the beach
- Sand storage facility with wheels that will smell like sunscreen until next winter
Beach Pass
- Expensive sticker that grants you the privilege of paying for parking
- Paper that disintegrates immediately upon contact with water or sunscreen
Submarine races
- Another game to play with bimbos
- Outdated euphemism that confuses modern teenagers
High Tide
- Masses of humanity pressed together on a thin strip of sand
- Mother Nature’s way of saying “time to move everything again”
Low Tide
- Nature’s showcase of what people have been throwing in the water
- Perfect time to discover what that smell really is
Surfer 🏄♀️
- Strange breed once thought nearing extinction now experiencing a resurgence
- Person who spends six hours waiting for thirty seconds of excitement
Wave 🌊
- Result of rising tide or something that won’t last very long
- Nature’s way of discombobulating your swimsuit in front of strangers
Thunderstorm ⛈️
- Fitting end to sweat, sand, stickiness, and screaming kids
- Weather event that begins exactly 10 minutes after you apply sunscreen
Umbrella 🏖️
- A generally silly idea unless you want to carry a 50lb base to anchor it.
- Device that provides shade exclusively to the sand beside you, never you.
