Going Coastal

Beach Artist 🎨

• Someone who makes a tremendous production dragging easels and canvas and paint boxes to the beach
• Someone who talks you into watching their children while they “run up to get a drink”

Beachcomber 🐚

• Eccentric individual who finds treasure in what everyone else calls garbage
• Any of a number of unusual birds that frequent the beach at all hours and are generally considered abnormal to everyone except their rich, doting aunt or uncle

Beach Blanket

• The only flat surface guaranteed to find every hidden rock beneath it
• Something used to throw sand on everyone who doesn’t have to leave the beach as early as its owner

Beach Towel

• See beach blanket
• Rectangular sand magnet that somehow shrinks to half its size once you lie down

Beach Ball

• Wind-guided missile programmed to hit exclusively napping strangers
• Inflatable device designed to showcase a child’s inability to catch

Beach Chair

• Something else to drag to the beach
• Folding contraption that requires an engineering degree to operate

Lifeguard 🛟

• Male or female employed for exceptional ability to apply zinc oxide to their nose and keep it there
• Professional whistle-blower with an uncanny ability to spot your open beer from 200 yards

Bodybuilder 💪

• Individual who applies tanning oil with the precision of a Renaissance painter
• Person who enjoys looking at their reflection in the sunglasses of others

Beach Bimbo ☀️

• Mythical creature who appears in all male beach stories but never in reality
• Female you wish to meet as opposed to know

Suntan Lotion 🧴

• Sticky stuff that attracts sand like a magnet, smells funny, and gets on everything

Dog 🦮

• Animal effective in meeting members of the opposite sex
• Beach vacuum cleaner that collects sand in its fur to deposit later in your car

Child 🧒

• Small person even more effective for meeting members of the opposite sex when borrowed from parents and taught to say “I’m lost”
• Tiny person with an uncanny ability to need the bathroom the moment you’ve gotten comfortable

Seagull

• Have you ever seen a seagulls nest?
• Nature’s reminder that no food is truly yours at the beach

Sunglasses 😎

• Excellent device to pretend you’re not staring

Beach Bum 🧘‍♂️

• Someone whose tan indicates they are not gainfully employed
• Person whose life choices suddenly seem brilliant around 2 PM on a workday

Frisbee 🥏

• See beach ball

Surf 🌊

• Water that covers your stuff while you’re gone

Stuff 🩴

• Collection of items you’ll drag home covered in twice their weight in sand

Cold Beer 🍺

• Exception to stuff
• The real reason anyone tolerates the beach

Car 🚗

• Vehicle that corrodes far more rapidly when driven regularly on the beach
• Sand storage facility with wheels that will smell like sunscreen until next winter

Beach Pass

• Expensive sticker that grants you the privilege of paying for parking
• Paper that disintegrates immediately upon contact with water or sunscreen

Submarine races

• Another game to play with bimbos
• Outdated euphemism that confuses modern teenagers

High Tide

• Masses of humanity pressed together on a thin strip of sand
• Mother Nature’s way of saying “time to move everything again”

Low Tide

• Nature’s showcase of what people have been throwing in the water
• Perfect time to discover what that smell really is

Surfer 🏄‍♀️

• Strange breed once thought nearing extinction now experiencing a resurgence
• Person who spends six hours waiting for thirty seconds of excitement

Wave 🌊

• Result of rising tide or something that won’t last very long
• Nature’s way of discombobulating your swimsuit in front of strangers

Thunderstorm ⛈️

• Fitting end to sweat, sand, stickiness, and screaming kids
• Weather event that begins exactly 10 minutes after you apply sunscreen

Umbrella 🏖️

• A generally silly idea unless you want to carry a 50lb base to anchor it.
• Device that provides shade exclusively to the sand beside you, never you.